Yeah, this blog has gotten pretty pathetic as of late with the not posting, but honestly, did you think I WASN’T going to blog about the death of “The Greatest Entertainer That Ever Lived”? (those quotes are because I am quoting, not because I disagree with that statement. I don’t.)

 The truth is, I’ve been pretty broken up about this. That memorial yesterday was tough. But now we’ve had the public mourning. Now we have our moment of “now what?” How do we proceed? How do we wrestle with the life this man lived-the highlights and lowlights?

I’ve been tyring to figure out the best way to put into words how/why this death has affected me and us as a culture. It finally came out (sort of) in a conversation/argument on gchat with my best friend, Alex.

BACKGROUND: Alex tweeted immediately after it had been confirmed MJ was indeed dead, “The King of Pop is Dead, Long Live the Queen (BSpears).” We’ve been fighting about it ever since, because I take stupid bullshit declarations like that seriously (and I think it diminishes the King’s legacy).

DISCLAIMER 1: Alex and I argue/debate. It’s kind of the nature of our relationship. When we do it in public with others around, they get uncomfortable. You may get uncomfortable reading this. It gets heated at times. And I mean CAPS LOCK heated.

DISCLAIMER 2: This is a gchat conversation. When I started it, I didn’t intend to post it to the blog. We are typing in a language that is unique to us and our group of friends. Also, there are many abbrevs and typos. INTERNET. Deal with it (or stop reading it, that’s fine).

me: u watch clips from that mj memorial?

rakliner: kinda saw some of it at the gym
IN TENTS

me: yahhhhh

rakliner: v. moving

me: u see when his daughter spoke at the very end?

rakliner: i can’t believe the king is dead
no, i didn’t see that
long live the queen

me: v making everyone on the planet cry
oh the queen was awesome
also al sharpton

rakliner: i meant b. spears

me: DIE
i was referring to QUEEN

rakliner: yes
you also know i’m a huge fan of ms. latifah

me: someone worthy of praise and affection, not some poor girl driven crazy by fame she earned doing choreography and lip synching digitally altered songs she recorded

rakliner: i remember where else i heard b. spears referred to as Queen of Pop
it’s on Circus (her newest album)
right before the song, kill the lights
which is interesting, because on HIStory Past Present and Future (Book 1), MJ does something similar where there’s an interlude of a fake “news cast” referring to him as the king of pop
the paralellism is v. interest

me: *the plagiarism is v. interest

rakliner: you don’t believe that’s really ACADEMIC DISHONESTY do you?

me: w/e she’s doing something that was done before by the most prominent entertainer of our lifetimes
i dont know if she copied him directly\

rakliner: mj was self-proclaimed as well

me: but that’s like saying “i swivel my hips when i sing and wear a gold jumpsuit”
“the parallelism to elvis is v interest”
that’s like saying kevin smith is parallelism to quentin tarantino
because they both have references in their movies

rakliner: you are seriously talking out of your ass
you are not giving this idea a fair shake

me: no i’m not

rakliner: because she disgusts you
yes you really are
“QUEEN OF POP”
blah blah blah “KING OF POP”
happens on both their albusm

me: because declaring yourself as something does not make it so, just because MJ did it, the declaration was just step one

rakliner: right

me: it was people looking around and saying “oh that’s a ridiculous thing to say…but true”
britney spears is NOT the queen of pop

rakliner: what i think is funny is that you’re so fucking protective over this FAKE LABEL
there is no such thign as a monarch of pop, bobby

me: i dont think you could get consensus on that outside of the gay blogosphere
well if that’s how you feel why are we even having this argument?

rakliner: because you’re stubborn
here’s my argument in a nutshell
1. MJ self-proclaimed as the king of pop

me: because i hold this opinion and have every rational argument in the world to back up my opinion

rakliner: 2. BS self pro-claimed as the queen of pop
in that it’s not a real voted on title, her claim to the thrown is just as legitimate
as his was

me: okay
well
i’m the queen of pop
I HAVE MADE IT SO
REFER TO ME AS SUCH

rakliner: yes, because it’s made up
you are the queen of pop

me: ty

rakliner: except, you haven’t sold millions of albums or put on multi-million dollar sold out shows like MJ and BS have done

me: let’s stack up the achievements of bspears next to that of MJ and let’s just see how that looks
let’s go ahead
and do that

rakliner: sure

me: there’s no contest

rakliner: there is SOME contest

me: no there’s really not

rakliner: show me numbers

me: and i’m not even speaking strictly concert or ticket sales

rakliner: WELL I AM

me: i’m talking total cultural ubiquity
well i think that’s a bullshit assessment
because a lot of people like crap

rakliner: but it’s the only OBJECTIVE way to do it

me: and by that measure larry the cable guy is the king of comedy

rakliner: see, i’m looking at it objectively
you know, level-headed
sane
not full of shit and frustration
take a lesson
you are just rattling off your own rhetoric, which i actually agree with

me: i’m talkimg about the intersection of acclaim, fame, and, yes, sales and commercial success

rakliner: but you’re not participating in the logical argument

me: as well as just being the undisputed biggest star in the world
a global phenomenon

rakliner: well, he was

me: sure, britney spears is a big star
no question
but

rakliner: would you really care about this if he hadn’t have died?
BAM
exactly
so STFU

me: YES
i would

rakliner: no you wouldn’t
not to this degree
if he was still being paraded around facing child molestation charges

me: if you said to me a month ago that britney spears was the queen of pop, i would have said bullshit
even though at the time, yes i would think michael jackson was probably a molestor

rakliner: i never thought he was
but that’s not the argument
this argument is based in logic
which is silly, because QUEEN/KING of pop is not a real title

me: i am talking logically

rakliner: so we’re taking a leapfollowing michael jackson’s PRECEDENT

me: point out to me how we’re not talking logically

rakliner: of self-proclamation

which ms. spears, having received VERY SIMILAR COMMERCIAL SUCCESS did as well

me: but what you fail to understand is that the act did not just stop at his self-proclamation
that is my point
that you are not seeing

rakliner: no, i’m saying that’s step 1
i get that
we’re basing the merits of MONARCH OF POPULAR MUSIC OFF OF THE FOLLOWING

me: yes it was affirmed by critics, media, and fans

rakliner: 1. self-proclamation

me: OKAY STOP IT WITH THAT BULLSHIT

rakliner: 2. commercial success

me: BECAUSE IF YOU DONT WANT TO ARGUE ABOUT IT THAN DONT
*then

rakliner: what are you talking about?

me: oh nvm
i misread

rakliner: chrsit
*christ

me: thought you were going again to “this is a bullshit argument”

rakliner: it is a bullshit argument
but not really
sorry

me: (yes of course it is a bullshit argument, continue)

rakliner: that’s wrong
it’s not a real title
it can’t be ULTIMATELY QUALIFIED AND CONCEDED
like
president of the united states
or chairman of General Motors
so we are basing it off of mr. jackson’s precedent
of self-proclamation
following widespread commercial success

me: but see it’s not just commercial success
it’s about TALENT

rakliner: to that end, my argument is, that her claim is just as valid

me: and mj was OBJECTIVELY very talented

rakliner: WHICH IS NOT OBJECTIVE BOBBY

me: no he was
there is no denying him
try to do it

rakliner: i know

me: based on his music and performance

rakliner: I AM A BIGGER MJ FAN THAN YOU YOU DON’T HAVE TO PROVE IT TO ME

me: but britney spears is by no means objectively talented
she’s not even subjectively talented

rakliner: so, please, stop thinking that i think ms. spears is just as good as MJ

me: she’s subjectively fun

rakliner: MY opinions are not in question

me: and she’s sold a lot of records

rakliner: right

me: so have the jonas bros

rakliner: exactly

me: are they princes of pop?

rakliner: if they proclaim they are, yes

me: but the title doesnt just become yours by declaring it
god

rakliner: because IT IS NOT VOTED ON
IT IS NOT REAL
AND YOU SHOULD NOT BE THIS UPSET

me: this is cyclical and frustrating and frankly you are an idiot and never going to see my point so we should really just drop it

rakliner: no, i do see your point
i know exactly what you’re saying
you’re not seeing MY point

me: i see your point plainly
people proclaim it
they sell a lot of albums/tickets
it becomes something you’re allowed to say
but i dont have to acknowledge that

rakliner: the next step is that fans accept it
now, this is where my argument falls a little short

me: and in fact, more WOULDN’T acknowledge that than would

rakliner: MJ has been widly accepted as KoP
whereas, it happens a lot less for BS
but, none the less, it happens
it’s an informal title
only as valid as people recognize it

me: well i dont recognize it

rakliner: fine

me: perfectly valid of me

rakliner: but other people do

me: those people are idiots
another valid opinion for me to old
*hold

rakliner: exactly
you have so many of them

me: and furthermore, i have the right, where if someone SERIOUSLY held the opinion that Britney Spears was the queen of pop, i could discredit much of their opinion on music, just like if they told me Nickelback were the kings of rock

rakliner: yesy ou have that right

me: because my larger point

is this:

michael jackson was not just the king of pop

rakliner: just as much as they have the right to think you’re a pompous self-important opinionated asshole

me: he was really the LAST pop star

rakliner: yes

me: as in true POP short for POPULAR as in almost everyone could agree they loved him
and pop music now

rakliner: yes

me: is more like bubblegum

rakliner: there is no MJ equivalent

me: or “poppy”

rakliner: i know there isn’t
there will never be another

me: and i dont think there ever will be again

rakliner: and i don’t think BS deserves to be called the queen of pop next to MJ’s king of pop

me: and i do think proclaiming britney spears as the queen diminishes michael and his legacy, which is admittedly a pompous and douchey opinion to hold, but i dont care, that’s how i feel

rakliner: well if you think that ANYTHING like that could diminish he’s legacy (esp. considering CHILD MOLESTATION CHARGES), it’s not douchey…it’s diluted

me: *deluded ?

rakliner: no
it’s solution mixed in water
yes
deluded

me: well arguments can also be diluted i think?
so i was legit confused and not just meaning to be an asshole

rakliner: yes, that means it’s weakened
deluded means evasive
so neither are what i wanted
MISGUIDED

me: meh deluded works
but if you’re going to bring mj’s personal life into it, bspears’ is only marginally better
she’s also insane

rakliner: i know
which actually strengthen’s my case
a little bit
similar trajectories
similar TRAJEDY(ectories)

me: funny cause i think it strengthens mine

rakliner: because it’s not real

me: well because it just shows when you reach a certain level of fame and tabloid attention, it drives anyone and everyone insane, especially people who were clearly pretty fragile and able to be taken advantage of to begin with

rakliner: right
and i have a tremdneous amount of sympathy for ms. spears
as i did michael jackson
because i never thoguht for a second he did it
i remember being glued to the TV in 2005 in myrtle beach with kree’s family when they read the jury’s findings of the sexual misconduct charges
and CHEERING
at all the not guilties
me and kree were the only ones who didn’t think he did it

me: see i will cop to buying into it, i always thought he had some form of perversion
whether he actually had sex with the boys, or just mildly peepee touched, i didn’t know
but i thought he was at some level of perversion
now after his death i’m really looking at the man and seeing that he was all sincerity
and when you see him say that he would never do that, i have to believe him
because, really, how could he?
there’s not a sexual bone (NO PUN INTENDED) in his body
i’ve said this many times to you already

rakliner: i don’t think he had a penis

me: but the point is

rakliner: i know

me: i’m coming from a position of guilt here, honestly
i feel guilty that we all lost faith in this man
when they play that poem he reads at the end of “will you be there”
the “in my darkest hour…”
“through all my trials…”
“and tribulations…” and he says tribulations in that really funny way
but he’s so earnest
and he says “will you still care?”
“will you be there?”
and that’s what’s been bothering me
he may have been the greatest entertainer that ever lived
and we, and i, turned our backs on him

rakliner: oh christ
don’t get sentimental

me: SHUT UP
I’M POURING MY HEART OUT HERE

rakliner: smallest violin
anyway, mj was mentally ill
most definitely

me: i’m saying this is why the death of michael jackson has been bothering me as much as it has
yes he was
clearly

rakliner: and while it would have been great for everybody to support him
chances are, he was destroying himself with or without public support

me: well i think it was a bit of his way of coping to recede deeper into his childhood fantasy of a life, which only further fed the tabloids, which then spurned him on further, etc.

rakliner: perhaps
but we won’t ever really know
unless some amazing expose comes out
which is what i’m looking forward to
what it was actually like inside neverland, etc.
people closest to him
complete with video

me: the people closest to him were frequently people taking advantage of him
he had a habit of pushing away the people who would try to look out for him and tell him what he needed to hear
like deepak chopra saying “hey taking that pain medication all the time? probably a bad idea.”
or anyone was like “it’s probably not the best decision to keep surrounding yourself with all these little children in your amusement park home”

rakliner: haha
that’s TRU

me: it’s just really sad
the first half of his life vs. the second half
that’s all
and i know it’s silly to be taking this death harder than most family members’
but i am

rakliner: well i’m sorry his death is hard on you
it is very weird
very strange
that he’s gone
but then again
how strange it is to be anything at all

me: lol
nice way to wrap ‘er up

For shits and gigs, last night I watched the Weeds season premiere. I had watched all of one episode last season. Well, some of it. My brother was watching it on his computer and I was tuning in and out of it, mostly I thought they made good use of Albert Brooks but had no idea how they had gotten to where they are. Before that, I had seen the season premiere and finale of season 3, and it was just obvious to me this show was just losing its mind.

Back in this entry, I talked about how Weeds started off as a smart satire, then after the first season quickly devolved into the way over-the-top silliness, then in a blink of an eye, the show will ask you to take it seriously. Well, I’m sorry, you can’t have it both ways, Weeds. You can’t have Kevin Nealon being ridiculously unhinged and living in no kind of reality and then have Mary Louise Parker staring at me all fucking doe eyed wondering “how she’ll get out of this mess”! Why doesn’t she just BURN DOWN THE WHOLE FUCKING SETTING OF THE SHOW. THAT’S A GREAT IDEA.

It’s not (all) Weeds fault, either. I swear, Showtime does not know how to develop a show. They’ve never had a show stay good past 1.5 seasons, ever. Weeds—great first season, lose touch completely somewhere in the middle of the second. Dexter—great first season, lose touch completely somewhere in the middle of the second. And yet people keep watching, clinging on to their memories of when the show was not quite so awful. And they delude themselves into believing it still has promise and places to go. Yet any person still able to even attempt to objectively assess this show, especially based on last night’s episode, will see that they are just spinning wheels and going nowhere over in Weeds-ville.

Hey, Celia is kidnapped by her older daughter who was sent away after the pilot episode in season one. When that originally happened, it was an unfortunately blatant example of writing a character off in an otherwise tightly plotted and written first season. So now they decide to bring her back for a twist-for-twist’s-sake and apparently put out a casting notice that read “LOOKING FOR WORST ACTRESS IN AMERICA. IF YOU HAVE ANY SEMBLANCE OF ACTING TALENT, PLEASE DO NOT AUDITION.” Though, to be fair, the writing is the poorest in all of television, as I’ve already established. The way the whole situation is just played is full on head smack against forehead level AWFUL.

So Weeds is awful. Who cares? A lot of people, that’s the problem.

See, the Twitter “Trending Topics” put this near the top last night. That meant it was one of the most recurring phrases. I had to check out what all the Tweeters were saying about it. I had a pretty interesting experience with this last Friday. I had decided on a quiet night in (/I have no friends) and watched The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien (man, that feels so good just to type that). His musical guest? A band by the name of CHICKENFOOT.

CHICKENFOOT, for those who are not yet aware of their glory, is fronted by Sammy Hagar (guy who replaced David Lee Roth in Van Halen), lead guitarist Joe Satriani (suer of The Coldplays), bassist Michael Anthony (also of Van Halen), and drummer Chad Smith (Red Hot Chilli Peppers). These men, while all technically proficient enough at their respective instruments (and then there’s also Hagar the HORRRRIBLE), make the worst sounding music that has ever been conceived. Think laughably bad, then take that idea to the nth degree where it passes laughable, moves on to tragic, and then comes back around to hysterically funny once again.

Conan had bad musical guests all last week: an especially frantic and wacky-faced John Mayer backed by a poorly mic-ed children’s choir, a completely synthetic looking (and awful sounding) Sheryl Crow, Green Day with their most repetitive and asinine song to date that’s EVERYWHERE for some reason, and Pearl Jam aka GO TO BED NOW. But this was just something else. Conan had to pick them on purpose, as if to say, “Hey, it’s the Tonight Show. I can’t really have Grizzly Bear on every night, but I can have CHICKENFOOT.”

It was a performance so completely terrible to inspire all viewers to the internet immediately. Five minutes after the performance, it was high on the Twitter Trending Topics. Click the phrase and find the majority of tweets read something along the lines of “Holy shit, Chickenfoot” or “Chickenfoot, what the fuck was that??” but a few were tweets along the lines of “Chickenfoot – I like!” and this made me weep for humanity.

Why can’t we all just agree when something is bad? I understand if you like the croon of Chad Kroeger for some reason and you want to like Nickelback, that’s fine. I also see that there will be few artists that we as a people will all love (however, I have a feeling that if there is one, it is The-Dream). But can’t there be an artist that we can all just agree is bad? Well, I think CHICKENFOOT fits this bill pretty well. Let’s just assign it to them. This way, critics can have a proper lowest outlier. For example, if Lil Wayne’s hotly anticipated and controversial new hard rock-infused album does not live up to expectations, critics can say, “So he doesn’t succeed entirely, but at least it’s not CHICKENFOOT bad!”

Guys, last night’s episode of Weeds was CHICKENFOOT bad. And yet, when I clicked on the “Trending Topic” of Weeds, I found the exact opposite response of the Chickenfoot responses. This time, the response of “Wow that was bad” was the minority, and most entries were “SO EXCITED FOR WEEDS TO BE BACK!” or “I am smoking weed and watching Weeds, LOL!!!” Listen, we need to shape up, Twitmerica. This show is just bad. It doesn’t know where it’s going, what it’s doing, not even what it’s about, at this point. It’s bad. And if you can’t see that, you are deluded, or high, or both (probably both).

 IT’S GOOD TO BE BACK.

by Emily Levin, expert birdcaller

Parts in [just brackets] are me trying to clarify something after the fact; parts in  [brackets that are bold and italicized] are others’ Tweets.

Gonna be livetweeting the Heroes season (Series??) finale. @rorawks, I suggest you join me!

so out of the routine of watching this show i got distracted by the internet and missed first three min.

sylar is zeljko ivanek. obvi the shapeshifter storyline probably came about when he was filming star trek. less set time for mr quinto, pls.

“this is where i get off” -ma petrelli. THAT IS IN FACT WHAT SHE HAD SAID.

now sylar is nathan. woooow. soon he will be claire so he can tots look at her boobs in the mirror and feel herself up.

“if things do go south, i want you right there.” -sylar as nathan to claire #TWSS

Hiro got his powers back? How did that happen? Oh right, I don’t care.

OH BOY HIRO AND ANDO HAVE FROZEN ALL OF THE TIME. ALL TIME IS FROZEN PLS. PERFECT OPPORTUNITY 4 RAPINGZ.

Nissan Cube– you look weird as shit. In a world of Scions and Aztek’s you take the cake. Congratulations.

Sylar – think about your dad. What’s your dad like? Oh he’s John Glover? It’s been a while since he hit his chin! [<-this is an inside joke to those familiar with the most famous Towson Theatre alum’s visits to my alma mater]

Nathan’s flying in public!!!! OH SHIT! THIS JUST GOT GOOD (?)

oh grat whole epic battle is off screen. V V CHEAP, HEROES. look at what the recession does to primetime television everyone.

NO WAY THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN!!!!! [<-this is re: Nathan’s slit throat]

Parkman walks on screen and I immediately get sleepy. He’s human Ambien (another power?)

“You can either listen to me now, or I’ll tell you after you shoot me.” Badass, Claire.

Ma Petrelling screaming “NO!!” — best TV drama mom screaming since Grace Zabriskie on Twin Peaks

So many actors have to portray that deranged Sylar look, the guy who plays the chief of staff does it the best.

[KarlRove @limulus So wars should be fought the same way as we confront thieves, with Miranda warnings, public defenders and the 4th amendment? #TCOT]

@KarlRove Yes, because no miranda rights is the same as water boarding and sleep deprivation. One day you will confront your admin’s actions

(sorry for breaking the Heroes LiveTweet, but the Worst American was saying some gross ass shit and i got pissed off)

Oh no looks like this show is going to snatch defeat out of finale Victory. Fuck you, Tim Kring. This is lame as shit.

STUPID STUPID STUPID. I AM V SPITTING AT HEROES RIGHT NOW. UGH.

H8 u heroes. u r dead to me like Nathan is(n’t(?))

Oh Ali Larter is back? That’s going to entice me to come back for another season for sure!!! (<- sarcasm)

Yeah this whole SylarNathan business is going to go well. I’m assuming, as I’m never going to watch this show again (if it gets a season 2).

[akliner @bobbylibby this show is on its 3rd season. Check your chronology plz.]

fucked up on last tweet mean chapter 5, not season 2.

[KarlRove @rwbeagle Conservatives don't believe in criminalizing policy differences.]

@KarlRove basd on these policies they also don’t believe in the rule of law Liberals don’t believe in Torture as Policy. Torture is criminal

@KarlRove Torture is illegal. Always. Reagan signed the UN Accord. I think you like him?? Have you read the UN Accord Reagan signed?

@KarlRove Reagan: “torture means any act by which severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental, is intentionally inflicted”

@KarlRove (PT2) Reagan: No exceptional circumstances whatsoever, whether a state of war or a threat or war, internal political instability

@KarlRove (PT3) Reagan: … or any other public emergency, may be invoked as a justification of torture. (WHAT ABOUT A TICKING TIMEBOMB 24?)

@KarlRove LINK: http://tinyurl.com/c9rfsg

[Karl Rove @simonsays452 No more all nighters—it's torture. Remember when Dole campaigned for 96 hours & Gore for 72? Both tortured themselves.]

@KarlRove Idiot. Two men willingly choosing to stay awake to campaign same as men forced awake for 5-8 days (great sources of intel then!!)

@KarlRove seriously, never stop tweeting and continuing to show the sheer idiocy of Neocon thinking. No wonder Repubs are in the wilderness.

[I soon realize that the Turdblossom’s responses are all to Direct Messages (DMs), and not @replies (this is all inside-Twitter jargon, if you don’t quite understand it, it’s not that important). But anyway. I decide to send the Worst American a Direct Message]

DM to KarlRove RE:Dole&Gore Men willingly staying up to campaign not analogous to men forced awake for 5-8 days (sleepdeprived r great sources of intel…)

KarlRove reply via DM Beg to differ.

Well, that’s all folks. Prepare yourselves– sometime this week I will be posting quite the epic blog:

MAN GETS HIT IN CROTCH WITH FOOTBALL AND FARTS / SUSAN BOYLE NUDE (a blog definitely not about torture…)

Breaking Bad. You’re the best show on TV right now. Great Job.

Indie Rock Ladies. Specifically, Fever Ray, Bat for Lashes, St. Vincent. Excellent, excellent music. Great Job.

Susan Boyle. You have done it, girlfriend. You’ve lifted up a beaten down world and broken nearly everyone’s cynicism. In 2009, this goes somewhere beyond “extraordinary” and into the realm of “otherworldly” and “divine.” Great Job.

On that note, Simon Cowell. I feel like I see your face about 10 times a day, and somehow this feels warranted. You are a person who just always finds himself in the pop cultural crosshairs. And you have gotten there not by smiling and cloyingly persuading your way into total cultural ubiquity and omnipresence (Seacrest, IN— FUCKING EVERYTHING!!!) but by doing quite the opposite. By being yourself (read: an asshole). By saying how you feel exactly. Case in point, last night on American Idol  (yes, I’m watching, don’t judge (it’s not like I would or anything…)), after Matt Giraud gave a (competent) performance (of a horrible arrangement) of “Staying Alive” with as much passion as he could muster, after the three judges praised him for going all out, you did not pull the punch. Let me step back for a second- to those not watching Season 6883, the judges have a new gimmick- they are allowed one save to use to save one contestant who gets the lowest votes that week. They can use this save only once for the whole season. They used this save last week on Matt Gir-oh-how-I-want-to-be-Justin-Timberlake. The save last week also means that TWO will be eliminated this week, making Giraud’s chances of being eliminated even greater. So… he sang “Staying Alive.” Only Simon was willing to call him out on what a tacky and desperate ploy it was, regardless of how well he performed. “You’ve got to get out of Idol-world” he said. Interestingly, Simon is now considering leaving Idol-world himself after next season. The show will likely not survive without him.

All these things, I think, are warranted props.

However, some things that have been getting props are, in fact,
UNWORTHY OF CONGRATULATIONS:

Like this ignorance:

Idiot.

Miss California. Finalist for Miss America. Asked by Perez Hilton how she feels about gay marriage. She says, “No offense, but I personally don’t support it. Just not how I was raised” (paraphrasing). Perez is a judge. Miss California loses the crown to Miss North Carolina.

I do not want to demean this idiot personally. I, along with many others, respect her for telling the truth and being true to herself event though it cost her the crown and bla bla bla and all that bullhonkey malarkey (pardon my Andy Rooney) we have been hearing. My mom, as liberal as they come, said that she disagreed with her, but respected her for saying how she actually felt. Yes this is all well and good everyone.

But has it occurred to anyone that,
at the end of the day,
what she believes
is…

Wrong?

No, really.  It is. It’s based on bullshit. Bullshit from the Bible where it is an abomination or whatever, along with shellfish, the same Bible that repeatedly denounces miscegenation, implicitly condones slavery (which the Bible was previously used in defense of) and how you can stone a woman on her period or whatever. But she was raised believing it. And because it becomes a belief, it becomes a third rail. Apparently?

“Sorry, just what I believe.” The unspoken bit here is, “conversation over.”

Because there is tremendous opportunity here. Opportunity to start a conversation. Okay, you believe that. Why? And what says those beliefs couldn’t possibly change?

Because people have traditionally held beliefs about things that turned out to be TOTALLY FUCKING WRONG and DETESTABLE to modern society.

Examples, please:

·         Well, slavery. IIRC there was a big war fought about it or something???

·         Racial superiority, while we’re at it.

·         Flat Earth

·         Earth being the Center of the Universe (everyone knows you have to be more specific than that—it’s America)

·         Women being inferior to men

·         And, again, miscegenation, or interracial marriage.

I return to interracial marriage because a) it brings marriage into it so it’s an apt comparison, and b) if the races were never allowed to mix we wouldn’t have that charming biracial egghead in the White House right now.

So imagine with me for a moment. C’mon, get out yer Imaginin’ Caps and dream along with me…

It’s 1969 and it’s the Miss America pageant. All the finalists are up for their final question. Sammy Davis Jr. asks Miss Mississippi how she feels about interracial marriage (no shot of her knowing what miscegenation means). She replies, “No offense to the charming black Jew with the white wife, but I personally feel like we shouldn’t mix the races, y’all. It’s just how I was raised in my hometown of Lynchem, MS.”

Everyone goes wild reporting how this girl could publicly proclaim something on national television so against the tide of where the Civil Rights movement has been leading, but she represents the “Old Guard” of belief and carries it so bravely! She will not compromise in the face of… well… history.

In the rare event that you are reading this blog and for some reason are against gay marriage—may I advise getting a hobby? Seriously, if two gay people in love want to make a lifetime commitment to each other, it will have NO FUCKING BEARING ON YOU OR YOUR FAMILY WHATSOEVER. No one is going to force you to get gay married. Ever. I promise. If Nathan Lane starts barging into heterosexual couples’ homes forcing gay marriages on straights, I will be on the front lines fighting against it saying that S is F-ed. But everyone knows this isn’t going to happen. The anti-gay marriage movement comes from a fear of your beliefs and your way of life that seemed to be in the mainstream just a short while ago becoming marginalized, and a fight against this. But it is a fight against history. And “that’s just what I believe” is forever a bullshit argument.

But then again, that’s just what I believe.

Hop in my time machine to 10 years ago.

I was about to turn 13, and this group of shady characters was imploring us to BREAK STUFF:

Ahead of their time????? (no. actually very aprropriately of their time.)

 Yes, once upon a time there existed LIMP BIZKIT, a foul mouthed band of rough necks with limited musical ability and a front man whose level of talent made Miley Cyrus look like Mozart.

Somewhere else in the world Radiohead, hot off the critical acclaim of OK Computer, was recording Kid A, but meanwhile everyone in my middle school was listening to an album called Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water. (Actually, it was Three Dollar Bill Yall$, but I have taken creative license, because Chocolate Starfish is an obviously funnier title).

They covered George Michael. Durst got called out in an Eminem song (back when he was relevant), shared a song with Method Man, and got in a fight with Scott Stapp (the only cool thing Durst has ever done). This was a band so awesome that some of my classmates formed a cover band called “Mini Bizkit” and played my eighth grade talent show (complete with an amateur turntablist). And these flaccid Bizkits also singlehandedly ruined the prospect of there being a 40th Anniversary of WOODSTOCK this year by inciting riots and impromptu bonfires at the 30th. I watched the looting and fires from my friend Ryan’s new house, with Carson Daly and Ananda Lewis playing the part of Anderson Cooper and Christiane Amanpour. Nowhere in the two or three year span of ubiquity did anyone ever seem to stop and ask themselves, “Wait. Seriously. Why is this the biggest band in the world?”

Fast forward to 2002. No one remembers Limp Bizkit outside of the typical Slipknot-crew (and most of them don’t remmember them fondly). According to the band’s Wikipedia page (the depth of my research for all of my blogs), they continued to release music (without lead guitarist Wes Borland), but people stopped caring (thank God).

So what happened?

Well, the answer is simple:

9/11

(or, as I like to call it, BAD/DAY)

Hear me out here.

Tuesday, September 11, 2001. The day that changed everything, including the popularity of Fred Durst and Limp Bizkit. On this day when 11 terrorists stepped into planes with the intent to evil-do, Fred Durst stepped into a music studio with the intent to (bad-)music-make. He was contributing to the already misguided celebrity charity single cover of Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On,” produced by Jermaine Dupri and Bono under the name “Artists Fight AIDS Worldwide”. The song was almost completed on this Tuesday morning, already recording artists such as Nelly Furtado, *NSYNC and Backstreet Boys, Jennifer Lopez, Wyclef Jean, and Eve. These artists mostly stuck with the original lyrics, with the exception of a few rappers who took liberties and chose to rap less-than-eloquently about poverty and injustice around the world. But on the morning when Durst stepped into the studio, he watched that footage we were all watching at the same moment with a similar horror we felt. “Someone has to give voice to this tragedy” he thought. “I, Fred Durst, should be that voice.”

So, with balls the size of the now-former Towers, he stepped up to the mic
and recorded this: (bold added for emphasis)

“Somebody tell me what’s going on (what’s going on)
We got human beings using humans for a bomb
But everyone wanna live
Don’t nobody really want to die
You feeling me right?
I can’t be watching people die (die)
And watching people cry
Let me break it down for a minute
If there’s enough room here for you and me
There’s plenty of room for some humanity”

I’ll obviously never forget 9/11. But I’ll also never forget 9/14, the Friday when this song was rushed to release, in some well intentioned but hoooorrible idea that it might soothe our pain a little. The song, already obviously bad by the 1 minute mark, saves Durst’s (wanting-so-bad-to-be-)relevant gem until the end. And then it hit me like a sack of bricks– “Holy shit. Limp Bizkit is probably the worst band in human history.”

Yes, everything changed. The way we saw the country, and the way we saw ourselves. If a band as monumentally lazy and void of any real talent as Limp Bizkit could continue to be as successful as they had been, the terrorists had truly won.

Now it’s 2009, and Limp Bizkit, like every other band in this broke-ass world, is planning to mount a comeback (along with the other middle school favorite band Blink 182, who had at least a modicum of talent). Now I understand the appeal of nostalgia. I get why girls get all excited to go see NKOTB or Backstreet Boys reunion tours. I get it. But I’m begging you:

NEVER FORGET.

Do not support this reunion.

Or else you don’t support the troops.

In my best behavior, I'm really just like him

Anybody know what he’s up to?

In case you don’t know who that is, he is Sufjan Stevens, former saviour of music. He released this album-

(This is the illegal cover)

in 2005, and it was pretty much agreed that it was easily the best album of the year. It’s a broad, sweeping epic of an album that traces a wide variety of setpieces encompassing the political, geographical, and social/personal history of Illinois, land of Lincoln (and a certain other president (not referenced in this album)). The musical sounds used to tell this great American epic story were appropriately varied and ornate. From the sweeping strings and pulsing piano of his “hit” Chicago (a song I guarantee you have heard (unless you’ve never seen Little Miss Sunshine or any other indie comedy)) to the folk strum of Decatur (about two brothers reminiscing about a day trip with their stepmother, a song that bears the distinction of having no melody, but two harmonies) to the haunting piano ballad John Wayne Gacy Jr. (about… John Wayne Gacy Jr). Then there’s Casimir Pulaski Day, a completely gorgeous song built on a plaintive acoustic guitar strum that builds trumpets and a chorus of “Da da da”s over a sad tale of a young love lost to “cancer of the bone.” I’ve never really stopped listening to this album. It is probably my favorite of the decade. And it’s not like it’s a one-time flash in the pan either.

Before releasing Come on Feel the Illinoise (or just Illinois for short) he released three other albums:

I believe in Joy

A Sun Came, a collection of early recordings was fairly hit or miss, but showcased the young songwriter and musician (several songs were recorded while still a teenager) as being full of exciting ideas. The instrumentation and sounds run the gamut, as is typical of a Stevens recording, from electronic sounds to baroque orchestral and chamber pop.

Seven Swans may be my least favorite Sufjan album, yet it is still a revelatory piece of work. It is the most sonically unified of any of his albums, all acoustic melodies dealing with his Christian faith. Oh yeah, I’ve pretty much failed if I’ve gotten this far into my  BLOG ABOUT SUFJAN without mentioning his Christian faith. Here is a guy who is completely unironic about his Christianity. It is inescapable and deeply felt in all of his music. For a lot of indie-rock-hipster-elitists, this serves as the Sufjan watershed. Someone openly Christian often gets unfortunately lumped in with the evangelicals who are largely responsible for a certain 8 years of science-denial. But Sufjan, as well as label-mates Danielson (formerly Danielson Famile), wear their faith on their sleeves, not in a way to preach, but simply because to deny this would be a denial of part of themselves. And, inevitably, the themes of Christianity are explored in their music. (I suppose not as worthy of a theme as drunken party hookups to a certain sect). But anyway, Seven Swans proved that the usually epic and romantic Sufjan could thrive just as easily in a simple acoustic setting as well. I just prefer the epic stuff.

I'd do anything for you

Then Michigan. (Actually, IIRC, this was released before Seven Swans, but bear with me). So yes, if you are paying attention, that is two albums named for states. That’s because, with Michigan, Sufjan launced the 50 States Project, in which he set out to write an album about every state of the union. And judging from Michigan vs. Illinois, these albums will not all sound near exactly the same. Michigan is far more subdued than Illinois, occasionally sleepy, but even restrained in the more upbeat and peppy numbers (such as the hilariously titled “Detroit, Lift up Your Weary Head (Rebuild! Restore! Reconsider!)”) In general, Michigan has a far more personal feel as it is Sufjan’s home state. Thus we gets songs like “Radford (For Yia Yia and Pappou)”. However, like Illinois, the album is thuroughly researched and retains an uniquely American feel, Sufjan simply feels more involved in this outing.

So that is 2 states down. 48 to go. Sufjan, you are 1/25 of the way there!

And what has Suffy done in the four years since Come on Feel the Illinoise had everyone jamming to songs inspired by the filming of The Night of the Living Dead? Well, no worries, Sufjan has not quite become a reclusive Jeff Magnum (yet). First came the many b-sides and outtakes of Illinois (originally a double-album) released in The Avalanche, which is filled with some tracks that were rightly cut from the album, four alternate takes on “Chicago”, as well as small pieces of wonder such as “Pittsfield” and “No Mans Land.” But all this material had already been recorded. Then in late 2006 he pulled a move that for almost any other artist would be a cheap cash-in, a Christmas album.

Put the lights on the tree (Put them on the tree, Put them on the tree)

 Songs for Christmas was actually a compilation in five volumes. It was comprised of the Christmas album that he had been recording for friends for the past few years. In it were covers of classics (not surprisingly, he favors the more traditionally spritual, including a few different takes on “O Come, O Come Emmanuel”), as well as originals (highlights include “Star of Wonder” and “Get Behind Me, Santa”). But, again, most of these songs were recorded years before.

So what about new material?

It has been few and far between. Sometimes I worry about whether he “still has it in him.”

And then he releases this:

That’s “You Are The Blood” from the recent Dark Was The Night charity compilation. The song is a 10-minute epic that instantly reminds you why Sufjan still deserves to be on the mantle of the “Most Exciting Figures in Music” along with Mr. Yorke and Mrs. Bjork (I know it, I’m a poet).

But just give it to me straight, Suf-
Will there be another state?
Or are we letting that go?
That’s fine if that’s what you wanna do
Not gonna hold it against you
How could I?
But will there be any music again?
Or are we following in Mr. Magnum footsteps?
(In which case I will first class you The Diary of Anne Frank)

Somebody clear this up for me.

I miss Sufjan.

I can't explain / The state that I'm in / The state of my heart / He was my best friend

So now I’m going to talk about INTERNET COMMUNICATIONs (and WARNING: I’m going to be playing around with stylistic use of CAPS LOCK).

It is an interesting evolution of communication mediums (unless you are an Internet Creationist, in which case, AL GORE MADE AIM (<-v. dated joke…)).

First we had EMAIL. The Pony Express of internet communication. Except a little faster. And you could CC multiple parties to your email, including if you had a very funny and risqué joke to send to all your office pals. And sometimes your buddy would mean to send just you an email about a sexual encounter he had with someone else in the office, but he would accidentally hit the dreaded REPLY ALL button, a button invented strictly to embarrass people (thanks AL GORE, you bloated HIPPIE). Now EVERYbody knows that quiet little Sally in the secretarial pool (you work in the last of the MAD MEN offices) enjoys sex where her poop comes out.

Next came the CHATROOM. And this took the (relatively) neat and tidy business of SENDing and RECEIVEing messages to your INBOX and turned it into TOTAL FUCKING ANARCHY. Now anyone could join a Yahoo chat for HORNY TWEENS (NO1 UNDR 16 ALLOWED!!!!1) Then this guy came along and left everyone completely terrified to ever enter a chat room ever:

Would you like some Iced Tea?

So then came the AOL INSTANT MESSENGER (AIM). A more private one-on-one based internet communication device, that would fill up your 200 max allowed friends with EVERYONE at the middle school. Simply, this device was THE MOST important thing in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE from ages 12-17. This was the beginning of our generation crafting our online personas. So many Earth-shattering decisions to make.  First- what would your SN (4TWDSpInt: ScreenName) be? This was probably the most important of all the persona decisions, but luckily, we were all free to just start up a new SN, and start all over. I know I had at least 7 or 8 screen names in as many years. Some lasted a month or two, some lasted for years. But with each I got to start anew—new font, new color scheme, new PROFILE. This was especially key. In 3000 characters or less, or whatever the limit was, sum up your very existence. OH AND DID WE EVER. And OHHHH, the AWAY MESSAGES. I feel like such an old-timer saying, “OHHH YOU WHIPPERSNAPPERS WITH YOUR TWATTER! BACK IN MY DAY WE LEFT AWAY MESSAGES AND WE LIKED IT!!” but it’s true. We also had the classic SONG LYRIC Away Message, which was our own way of soundtracking our lives. It was like saying “In the movie of my life, this is the song playing over me brooding at my computer.” This song was usually by Dashboard Confessional.

this ruined puzzle is beige with the pieces all face down…

Then FACEBOOK changed EVERYTHING. I remember my first semester of college when my school got facebook. I went into Acting 1 on a rainy Wednesday morning and everyone was positively ABUZZ. TheFacebook.com (as it was known BACK IN MY DAY (four and half years ago)) had come to Towson yesterday, and a few people were already on it. By six o’clock that night, most of the rest of us were on it as well. I know I ran home from class and immediately started one up. It was like the dream of putting yourself onto the internet promised by the AIM Profile had been beautifully realized with this new internet Book of Faces. If I can make a potentially offensive analogy—The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr:Barack Obama::AIM Profile:Facebook. I think I offended myself typing that, but there are parallels? Maybe? Just never mind, forget I said it. The point is, eventually many people found that they don’t actually like conversations, at least not in the live online talking variety. They yearned for the days of email communication, and Facebook put a, well, FACE to that email. Also, you could SuperPoke people. These people superpoking you were (and are) extremely annoying. Today AIM is facing a similar fate as today’s newspaper industry.

(Somewhere along the line MESSAGE BOARDS entered the mix. This is a can of comically packed springy plastic snakes that I am not going to open at the moment.)

So now what? Well, it appears to be taking AIM’s place is GCHAT (But shhh… don’t tell anybody… don’t want it to get all lame like, well, AIM).

And now, TWITTER, which is a topic I fear hasn’t been covered in the news enough lately. I haven’t heard a single thing about it. Do people do it? I don’t know. I wish the TV Box would talk about this more. Or perhaps I should stop watching my television with my fingers pressed deep inside my ears (hearholes (CALLBACK!)) singing the Family Matters theme song at the top of my lungs (“IT’S A RAAAARE CONDITION/ IN THIS DAY AND AGE / TO SEE ANY GOOD NEWS/ ON THE NEWSPAPER PAGE…”). Maybe I should stop doing that, because it’s also making Grey’s Anatomy needlessly confusing.

(I would never ever ever in a million years voluntarily watch Grey’s Anatomy even if you paid me. I’d leave it without this disclaimer for the sake of the joke, but I’ve got a rep to worry about here.)

So, without further ado, let the debate begin:

HBO

vs.

SHOWTIME

My judgement: I’m ruling this a NO CONTEST, HBO TKO.

For a few years now, Showtime has been marketing itself as being on the cutting edge of television series. It specializes in the kind of shows that are easily recognized and defined by their “edgy” subject matter, if not laid out plainly in the title itself (Queers! Lesbians! Weeds!), then still easily summed up in one word or a short phrase (Serial Killer! Multiple Personalities!) In essence, these shows do not strive for depth in their premises, and the shows themselves often fare no better.

Showtime’s best show, Dexter, is a prime example. Going off premise alone, Dexter shows the most promise. As you are probably aware, the show is about a moralistic serial killer who uses his job as a forensics blood analyst to gain access to “bad” guys (kiddie touchers, murderers who got away) and end them. The whole examination of good and evil has potential, however the show is often side tracked by silly subplots, and is almost always too neat in how it ties things up. And man oh man, that inner monologue is usually just laughable. Still v watchable, though. Michael C Hall was always my favorite on Six Feet Under, and he is pretty damn good on Dexter. And, Julie Benz, meeeeow (kinda sick that MCH is tapping that off set, though, considering they play brother and sister (EW!)).

Weeds started off as one of the best comedies on television, and then had a major tone shift from serio-comic satire to comic-comic-like-seriously-Sunday-morning-funnies-or-Three-Stooges satiric-self-parody. For me this is seen primarily in the transformation of Celia Hodes, played by the great Elizabeth Perkins (aka Wilma Flinstone). In Season One, she was a great foil to Mary Louise Parker’s Nancy Botwin, a hard edged housewife who was on the surface a hateful woman. But her struggle with breast cancer that season completely humanized her and she was a fascinating character (the scene where she reveals to her husband that she had cancer was devastating and brilliant). Fast forward to now, and when I happen to catch an episode of the latest season, she is in federal prison in some kind of gang. She’s become some bizarre arch villain that would give Cruella DeVille pause. The humanized Celia of season one has been lost completely, and there’s nothing that the (very capable) Perkins can do to bring humanity to the writing of the character. It’s a damn shame. So now, the show is just pure straight silliness with drugs, and they have even moved, leaving those “Little Boxes” of suburbia which gave them a lot of their satiric license. In other words, consider this shark JUMPED.

And then there is United States of Tara. This show is about to wrap its first season (those of us who know how to work a DV-R have already wrapped it (and if you’re like me, sent it straight back! (jk, it’s just alright))) and stars the consistently very good Toni Collette and that guy from My Big Fat Greek Wedding who I think dated Carrie Bradshaw for a spell. Premise: mom and interior decorator Tara has multiple personalities, at least two of which are legally retarded (because in the mind of Diablo Cody, a 15 year old teenager is without any sense of self or appropriateness whatsoever, and also is just begging to be thrown from a tall building). These Alters are fun and diverting and each have their own logic as to why and when they take over Tara’s body. Toni Collette is brilliant as Alice, the walking 50s-Better-Homes-and-Garden’s Stereotype (to Lady Diablo’s credit, a very good creation), as well as her only male Alter, the bowling and quick-to-violence Buck. However, as the 12 episodes wore on, the most compelling characters on the show became her kids, at least one of which started off very annoying (the daughter). By the end, though, the show became The United States of Marshall, I think that little guy (he’s probably like 19 IRL (<-in real life, for those who don’t speak internet (4TWDSpInt))) is just an incredibly gifted actor, or he’s very much like his character. Also, more props to Diablo Cody for writing young people who don’t speak in a slang-uage that makes me want to kill them/myself. However, as this season came to a close, I found myself thoroughly over it, not invested, and not really caring about getting to a season two.

Now, Showtime’s obvious rival in the pay cable world is HBO (Starz made a TV series out of CRASH, the Worst. “Best Picture” Winner. Ever. ()So they are forever irrelevant in my eyes), and in my not-so-humble opinion, there is simply no competition. HBO’s series are consistently great, even as they have been struggling to find new footing post-Sopranos (huge ratings hit) and The Wire (very much less so, though loved by the few who watched). Personally, I think Big Love’s last season measures up to seasons of The Sopranos and Six Feet Under (though a very different show, especially from the former). I haven’t watched In Treatment, but have heard almost universally good things (and Diane Wiest is immortal in my eyes). And they’ve only gotten stronger in the comedy department, I would argue, retaining the always great Curb as the comedic lynchpin (Curb>>>>>>>>Sex and the City (4TWDSpInt: It is infinitely better) and giving Flight of the Conchords two seasons (looks like no more(L)), and Summer Heights High (which originally aired in Australia a year or two before HBO) is one of the funniest things I have ever seen on television. In fact, HBO’s only real blunders in the past few years has been passing on Mad Men, and instead picking up True Blood (for multiple seasons, no less).

Now, I will confess to enjoying True Blood. But I enjoy it much the way I enjoy a Showtime show. On second thought, I think it might still be better than most Showtime shows, because, sure, it’s silly pulpy fun, but it also doesn’t pretend to be V.V.Important the way Weeds or US of Tara try to say Important Things (not w/ Demetri Martin (do not like, find his tone grating)) about Suburbia or Identity. And probably the best thing about True Blood, is that it is unlike anything that has ever been on HBO. A fantasy/thriller series with an almost comic book feel (a far cry from the last stab at fantasy, the sometimes awesome, sometimes V frustrating Carnivale). And thus, this is HBO’s greatest strength—their willingness to always try something completely new and different. Whereas on Showtime Queer as Folk begat the L Word, Weeds begat The United States of Tara, etc.

Last night, HBO premiered The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency, starring Jill Scott. The show is very odd, at first, to wrap your head around. As Donna Bowman writes for The TV Club:

HBO is certainly a strange place for the series, given its genteel family-friendliness.  The tone, pacing, and emphasis on heavenly rural scenery practically scream Hallmark Channel.  But if HBO audiences can slow down enough for an original series without profanity, nudity, weed, lesbians, or any of the other trappings of its usual offerings, they’ll find themselves smiling at this love letter to Africa and its disappearing traditions.

But, at least from the pilot, I’m saying this risk pays off for HBO. It verges on possibly being too sweet, but the effervescent charm of the awesome Jill Scott completely sells it. Just when I think I might be over HBO because Big Love finished its latest (and best) season, this beautiful (aesthetically and in the writing) series comes completely out of left field.

Granted, I watch a good deal of television shows on Showtime, and do enjoy them (their incarnation of This American Life generally escapes my criticism, though it is much more hit-or-miss than the radio iteration), but the bottom line is that Showtime will simply never approach the level of sophistication and artistry of even the worst HBO show. Even the late night sex shows on HBO have more complexity and depth than their Showtime counterparts. In fact, HBO’s REAL rival in cable television is on basic cable—AMC (a channel most people don’t know exists). But that’s another entry for another day.

Confession:  Now that he’s not president, I think I may like Bush.

Sure, he is the worst president in American history, as far as we, citizens of 2009 America, are concerned. I measure this based on how much he has personally affected our lives and well beings (we have been less threatened today by, say, James Buchanan or Warren G. Harding). However, while he is the boss and CEO and ultimately responsible for the actions of the past 8 years, we can’t forget there was an entire administration at work here, and he did not act alone.

Class Act?

Dick Cheney? Evil to the core. There is no doubt in my mind. Condoleeza Rice? Unquestioning lapdog and sycophant. Donald Rumsfeld? So much blood on his ignorant hands there is no joke to be made there. And, finally, Karl Rove, who fits the “trusted evil advisor” stereotype like a glove. He’s like a shorter, fatter Jafar, or that dude from Lord of the Rings who corrupts the mind of the king. And our former King W had an easily corrupted mind, to say the least.

Yes, President Bush is, and was, stupid. There is no denying this. You can try to argue the case of “But he went to Yale and Harvard!!” but you know as well as I do that Daddy bought his way into both, and he was a C-student at both. My brother tried to argue that he couldn’t be too stupid to win the presidency twice. First, I quickly corrected him that he won the presidency ONCE (let’s not lose sight of the fact that he was a Supreme Court appointed president), and then conceded that he had smart political minds working for him. (Karl Rove may be power hungry and completely without scruples (<-a hilarious word), but one can not deny his political intelligence (which is to say, his ability to exploit a certain segment of the population’s fears about terror and hot button social issues)).

There is no denying it. Bush should have never have been president. And don’t gimme “But how would GORE have handled 9/11?????” Well, numbnuts, first of all, 9/11 (or, as I like to call it, bad/day) might not have even happened, as Gore’s administration would likely have maybe noticed Richard Clarke running around shouting “AL QAEDA! BIN LADEN! AL QAEDA!” (a refrain familiar to a certain former mayor of NYC post-bad/day). Gore also probably wouldn’t have used that NSA pamphlet “BIN LADEN DETERMINED TO STRIKE WITHIN US” (the one with an image on the cover of a commercial jet liner flying into a skyscraper) as a dinner napkin. And finally, Gore probably would have spent a little more time governing than on vacation, whereas Bush spent more time in Crawford and on other vacations for the first 7 months of his presidency than most presidents spend in their entire tenure. So it’s fairly likely bad/day might not have even happened. But even if it did, it’s safe to assume Gore would have proceeded in much the same way Bush initially did (invading Afghanistan), except less “EVERYBODY SHOP!” and more reevaluating Middle East policy and immediately working to wean us off of foreign oil. You know, little more sanity, a lot less lying us into an unnecessary war of choice that cost us over 1 trillion dollars and, worse, over 4000 American and 100,000 Iraqi lives.

And don’t even get me started on how our environmental policy would look.

But this is all beside the point. (Me? Off point??) The bottom line is, however President Bush’s policies may have negatively affected America and been perceived as malicious, I’ve never really bought the image of Bush himself being evil. He should have never been president; that is certain. But is he, himself, as a person, bad?

I submit to you he is not. He’s just a guy. A guy who doesn’t read the paper. A guy who has a healthy distrust of science. A guy who has watched Top Gun about 100 times too many. A guy who isn’t analytical, who doesn’t really invite dissenting opinions, but prefers to operate more from the “gut.” A guy who is deeply religious, born-again, and who makes few decisions without “consulting God.” A guy who, at some point in his life, affected a Texas accent for who knows why, possibly to make him appear more folksy. A guy who fancies giving acquaintances nicknames.

Many of these qualities are bad to have in a president. But for just some dude, they aren’t inherently bad. At worst, he’s kind of a douche. As a person, he’s less Richard Nixon and more Michael Scott or Andy Bernard.

He’s a part of our history now. We can put him on trial for war crimes in re: torture (this trial would be warranted), but it doesn’t change the fact that he was freely elected… guy. Feel however you want to about him as a president, but as a guy, he’s alright.

Cheney? Still an evil asshole.